Archive | April, 2012

How to Defeat the Huns

20 Apr

First, if you’re a female, go ahead, and dress up as a guy. Lower your voice. Get used to not bathing.

Oh, and when your captain dismisses you for being a pansy/weakling, climb a pole. That’ll show him that you’re legit.

If you’re an army caption, motivate your crew. Mock their masculinity and strength by saying things like “did they send me daughters when they asked for sons?” or “you’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot”. Don’t worry about the hateful look their giving you—those are really looks of motivated devotion.

If you’re part of the crew always: Be a man. Be tranquil as a forest, but a fire within. And be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Remember, once you find your center, you’ll be sure to win.

Apparently, I’ve been watching too much Mulan lately (pft… like there a such thing as too much Mulan).

Anyway, I noticed that I’ve been writing a lot about my assignments, so I figure I’d change the pace a little.

I got a cookbook the other day… One of my favorite things to do is to go to our campus bookstore and head to the “clearance books” section. The books that are immediately visible tend to be a random stack of books written by Politians, but, right behind those, are the cook books. And they are awesome.

The pictures are big and glossy, and when you look at them you can’t help but think:

Food is an art. I own a kitchen. I could be an artist. With food.

Rainbows=art.
Food=art
Rainbows+Food = High Art

These books are a lot of fun to look at, but I’ve noticed they’ve given me delusions of grandeur about what I’m actually capable of in the kitchen. For example, I got this one book called “Pasta… Made Simple”, and, though I haven’t tried these recipes, I know one thing for sure—this pasta is anything but simple.  I look at most of the recipes, and I have to ask myself “What the hell does that mean?” And looking at the picture doesn’t help much either– it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

How am I supposed to know what the dish should look like when the pictures are all of noodle and chicken?

Sometimes the noodles are green.

Sometimes the noodles are… rice.

But it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

I have another book that’s called “Chicken Dishes” and it’s a little bit more down to earth. I look at the picture, recognize the ingredients, and think, I can do this.

But no.

As soon as I get to the kitchen, I realize I don’t own most of the ingredients. There will be a list of 10 ingredients with things like chili powder, ginger, or chicken stock– and the only things I will have on the list are chicken and salt. And noodles.

So all I end up eating are noodles and chicken anyway.

I guess this is what happens when you buy a cook book because the pictures are pretty.

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Yo Gabba Gabba Might Be an Evil Plot to Destroy the World

14 Apr

I finished my senior thesis!

I don’t know how to describe the feeling, really. I suppose it’s like finishing a marathon… and then, looking up and realizing you came in last. No joke. I turned it in and, a moment later, realized that there were a thousand things I should have done better—but, at the same time, I was relieved it was over.

As soon as I turned it in, I crashed. I sat on the couch for hours… and wallowed in a mixture of self-pity and laziness.

As I was flipping channels, though, I noticed that there was a show on called Yo Gabba Gabba—and I don’t think I’ll ever recover. The first time I watched it was in middle school, when my youngest sister was young enough to watch it.

This show has the amazing capacity to mesmerize children. My sister could sit down and watch it for hours… but, as an adult, I’m confused.

I remember one part in the show where they were singing “Brush Your Teeth” over and over and over, and there was a random guy in the background with a boom box. I’m pretty sure if you played that song backwards, though, it would say something like “DESTROY ALL THE THINGS”. My sister might wake up one day, in a few years, and the only thing she’ll be able to say will be “death and destruction”… and she’ll probably have really clean teeth.

I probably made this guy cuter than he ought to be. In the show he looks like some kind of spotted pickle…

Other than obsessing over the deeper meaning in Yo Gabba Gabba, I’ve been prepping for the next two weeks, in which I will somehow have to finish a video project, put together a portfolio, and write four ten page essays… I guess, this means that me, my youtube account, and local starbucks will become best friends in the near future.

That, by the way, is coffee. My love for coffee is about as strong as my love for wasting time on youtube. or on Paint.

I Have a Type Of Illness Known as “College”: A Procrastination Induced Post

6 Apr

NOTE: When re-reading this post, I noticed that there is a lot of economics-jargon-stuff in here. If you aren’t an econ major and don’t know what any particular work means, replace that word withPanda. It’ll make just as much sense and be 10x as funny.

Within the next week I have my senior thesis for my economics major due. Since there’s only a week left to finish it, I’m at a point where I can no longer pretend that watching videos of econ-raps and reading through “Economists Do It With Models” count as writing the essay.

I’ve been studying this stuff for so long—and, for the last month, so intensely—that I started applying basic economics to random situations… or maybe I’m just going insane.

For example, when walking to Starbucks, I saw a shop that has a broken window… I thought of
this video I saw in one of my classes.

I’m also taking a class in Old English Literature, and came up with a payoff matrix to describe a pre-battle dialogue…

Yeah, this isn't exactly how it went down, but it was a good excuse to draw a viking 😀
Oh, and in the payoff-chart-matrix-thing, most of the numbers are random, though I always assumed that if a battle occured, the vicking would win. The have some epic beards. Their victory is inevitable.

I overheard a girl on the bus telling her friend, “Well, Walmart’s a monopoly, and it forces all the small businesses in the area to close”… and it took a lot of effort not to cry. I figure that the frustration I felt due to her conversation was a negative externality and, to make her internalize this externality, I should make her give me a dollar.

I think I am going insane, though. I’ll probably ask a psychology-major-friend about it. It seems like loosely applying economics to everything I see should be a symptom of something. Maybe it’s rabies. Or mad cow disease… but I’ll leave all the diagnosing to my not-yet-a-doctor-friends.

I also noticed that the quality of my diet seems inversely related to the quantity of school work that I need to do. Since I’m avoiding my essay, I’ve made a chart:

Once the semester starts, the quantity of work I have to do is directly related to the number of pancakes I consume and inversely related to the quality of food I eat (because of all the pancakes).

The whiny voice of the economist that lives in my head reminds me that ‘correlation does not imply causation’— but, in this case, one defiantly causes the other.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I know what’s wrong.

I’m suffering from a psychological illness known as “college”. It’s a simple illness that drags you from points of calmness to points of extreme stress spontaneously across a two to four year period.  They say this illness makes you smart, but, really, it just makes you the same type of crazy as everybody else in your chosen industry.

How Not to Stay Focused When Writing an Essay

1 Apr

I have a Senior Thesis due in two weeks for my Economics major… so I drew a picture of this giraffe.

This is my giraffe. He has laser beam eyes.

My paper is about the Massachusetts Health Care reform and writing this thing is so… Incredibly. Dull. But you know what’s not dull??

This is a picture I drew of a polar bear cookie that I got from Starbucks… a couple of months ago.

This was the most delicious cookie I've ever had...

For me, writing long research essays happens in stages… and it’s the same thing every time.

Stage 1: Google the topic

Stage 2: Watch some of Olan Roger’svideos

Stage 3: Print out articles

Stage 5: Surf Pinterest indefinitely

Stage 6: Underline things in the articles

Stage 7: Pretend the assignment does not exist. Surf Pinterest indefinitely.

Stage 8: Solitaire

Stage 9: Make a new Pandora station

Stage 10: Begin Rough Draft

Stage 11: Make Coffee

Stage 12: Made too much coffee… can’t let it all go to waste. Use Pinterest to find a recipe to use rest of coffee.

Stage 13: Cooking is hard work. Relax and play Overlord II.

Overlord II is awesomeness wrapped in awesome. It's like Lord of the Rings.. but from Sauron's point of view. sort of.

Stage 14: Continue Rough Draft

Stage 15: Doodle things on Paint

This is probably a cowboy. I imagine he's the type of guy who rides a giraffe off into the sunset.

Stage 16: Finish Draft

Stage 17: Sleep.

Stage 18: Edit paper.

Stage 19: Stare at wall.

Stage 20: Turn something in.

Guess what time it is?? Time to play some Overlord. 😀

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