How to Defeat the Huns

20 Apr

First, if you’re a female, go ahead, and dress up as a guy. Lower your voice. Get used to not bathing.

Oh, and when your captain dismisses you for being a pansy/weakling, climb a pole. That’ll show him that you’re legit.

If you’re an army caption, motivate your crew. Mock their masculinity and strength by saying things like “did they send me daughters when they asked for sons?” or “you’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot”. Don’t worry about the hateful look their giving you—those are really looks of motivated devotion.

If you’re part of the crew always: Be a man. Be tranquil as a forest, but a fire within. And be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Remember, once you find your center, you’ll be sure to win.

Apparently, I’ve been watching too much Mulan lately (pft… like there a such thing as too much Mulan).

Anyway, I noticed that I’ve been writing a lot about my assignments, so I figure I’d change the pace a little.

I got a cookbook the other day… One of my favorite things to do is to go to our campus bookstore and head to the “clearance books” section. The books that are immediately visible tend to be a random stack of books written by Politians, but, right behind those, are the cook books. And they are awesome.

The pictures are big and glossy, and when you look at them you can’t help but think:

Food is an art. I own a kitchen. I could be an artist. With food.

Rainbows=art.
Food=art
Rainbows+Food = High Art

These books are a lot of fun to look at, but I’ve noticed they’ve given me delusions of grandeur about what I’m actually capable of in the kitchen. For example, I got this one book called “Pasta… Made Simple”, and, though I haven’t tried these recipes, I know one thing for sure—this pasta is anything but simple.  I look at most of the recipes, and I have to ask myself “What the hell does that mean?” And looking at the picture doesn’t help much either– it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

How am I supposed to know what the dish should look like when the pictures are all of noodle and chicken?

Sometimes the noodles are green.

Sometimes the noodles are… rice.

But it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

I have another book that’s called “Chicken Dishes” and it’s a little bit more down to earth. I look at the picture, recognize the ingredients, and think, I can do this.

But no.

As soon as I get to the kitchen, I realize I don’t own most of the ingredients. There will be a list of 10 ingredients with things like chili powder, ginger, or chicken stock– and the only things I will have on the list are chicken and salt. And noodles.

So all I end up eating are noodles and chicken anyway.

I guess this is what happens when you buy a cook book because the pictures are pretty.

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3 Responses to “How to Defeat the Huns”

  1. pouringmyartout April 20, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

    Deliciously random.

  2. EzraWontShutUp May 15, 2012 at 10:16 pm #

    I love that song! I just figured out how I’m going to procrastinate for the next 20 minutes (If I watch more TV, I’ll feel guilty, so I watch youtube videos.) THANKS! ….and not so thanks because Mulan makes me reflect on things I dont like: the fact I’m white and not a warrior princess, my big paper due tomorrow right before a final, the fact I’m not living in a Disney musical…and GHAIUdbgIBWEG I’m just going to start crying now. Thanks.

    • Erica May 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

      Lol, I hope you do well on your final!
      (Though if Mulan is keeping you from studying, I would recommend you wait until after finals to search “Olan Rogers” or “Lizzie Bennet Diaries” on Youtube :))

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