Not-Studying

4 Jun

Hello guys! It’s been a while—sort of. It’s been longer than I like to spend between blog posts. I try to post once every week, more or less on a Friday, but, as some of you may know, I am taking the LSAT on Monday. 😮

However, as hard as I may try to prepare for this exam, the only thing I’ve really been able to do is perfect the art of not-studying. Really, when there’s something important  that needs to get done, all I can think of is everything else

His name is Dr. Horrible.
“Where are his back legs?!” You might be asking yourself. Well, he’s either sitting on them, or he’s part potato. I like to leave a little room for the imagination.

I’ve also noticed that things that have recently been frustrating me, that didn’t frustrate me before…

For example, apparently not everyone knows this– but there is a right way and a wrong way to eat gummy bears.

When you take the effort to go to the store and buy a bag of these squishy rainbow bears, you have to take a moment. These little bear shaped candies look up at you with the innocent and friendly smile. Their hands rest gently on their round bellies. They seem satisfied and happy with life… so you gotta make sure that these little guys don’t die in vain.

You gotta make sure these round bear-gummies die with honor.

How to Dishonor Your Gummy Bears:

You cannot just shove in your mouth without even looking at them. No. That’s too impersonal.

Some machine somewhere in the world went to the effort to create these little bear shapes. If you weren’t meant to play with it, they would have just made circles! They would be jelly beans… or M&Ms!

Not bears.

The Proper Ways to Eat Gummy Bears:

You gotta look this bear in the face, and show him that you are in control here. Then, you actually gotta eat him. There are many means of execution, but here are a few of my favorites:

The Velociraptor You have to attack the bear quickly and strategically. Watch the bear. Study its movements… then come in for the kill.

The Zombie

Rule 1: Cardio
Rule 2: Double Tap

In the zombie spirit, you have to go in brain-first. Savor it… then go limb by limb.

The Crusher

After a while, the green ones start to look like yoda.

Take the little bear in between your index finger and your thumb… then slowly– and carefully, you don’t wanna drop it– squish it. Naturally, these things are made of jelly, so you’ll have to squish it over and over again to get the desired result.

The Voldemort

Gather all the cunning and hate within your heart, and give the bear a swift and merciless end– Avada Kadava!

Caution: After preforming this unforgivable curse, you may want to stay way from any Ministry of Magic people… its a bit frowned upon in certain circles.

The Mad Scientist

Piece by piece, take that bear apart! After you’ve dissected and torn that bear apart, try and put it back together again and bring it back to life! Maybe you’ll create your very own bear-esq monster that’ll chase you around the earth, seeking revenge for his lack of companionship…

A few other good ones are:

The Goat and the T-Rex (…maybe this one is self explanatory…)

The Pinata (break it open and eat it from the inside out)

and the Paula Dean (cover it in butter and bake at 350 for 20 seconds ;))

Also, there’s another thing that’s been frustrating me—people you ask you questions about the book you are reading while you are reading it!

Before I pick up a book, no one has anything to say… nothing at all. No news. No questions. No gossip.

But.

As soon as I pick up the book, someone will flock over to me like a vulture flocks to zombie-carnage.

“Has a beginning! Has a middle! Has an End! What madness is this!” -Donatello

They hoover over me until I’ve gotta into a thick part of the plot—the characters declare their love for each other; someone dies; explosions; time travel… you know, the good stuff. Once I get there, they know.

It’s like they’re psychic… they’re the psychic vulture book ruiners… of doom!

Then they pounce!

They ask questions. Yes, they’re seemingly innocent questions, but they know you are too busy to answer their questions:

What’s is about?

[Frantically, you realize someone in the real world has said words together… so you put together a meshed summary of what you just read]

Where are you at?

[You show them the edge of the book, so they can see how many page you’ve gone through and how many you have left. Then, perhaps, you realize that they wanted something more specific…]

Is it like twilight?

[Of course, it’s not like Twilight! This plot has actual depth!]

Are you sure? Cuz that sounds a lot like twilight…

[Totally different!]

Really? Cuz that one guy defiantly sounds a lot like Edward…

[Yeah. If by “a lot like Edward” you mean “is male”….]

Right. So this girl that is “not at all like Bella” falls in love with a guy that is “not at all like Edward”, and they have a baby… Sure sounds a lot like Twilight…

[Your face is a lot like Twilight!!@#$%]

Don’t be so sensitive!

[Your face shouldn’t be so sensitive!!!#$!%Z@]

Hey! It’s not my fault you’re reading Twilight!

Then, when I throw the book at them, I lose my page. It’s just a lose-lose situation all around.

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16 Responses to “Not-Studying”

  1. vignetti June 5, 2012 at 1:37 am #

    Lawyers, we got. Awesome artists with a shining sense of humor, not so much. Just sayin’. Shine On!

  2. asignoflife June 5, 2012 at 1:38 am #

    Personally, my favorite way of eating gummy bears is The Zombie. Also, there’s a reason I don’t read when there are other people around… bloody vultures. haha. Great post! Love the Potato/Unicorn! (the majestic potatocorn?)

    • Erica June 5, 2012 at 9:37 am #

      haha! Potatocorn is a good one! I might call it a unipotatocorn, though, just so people don’t go thinking it’s some kind of vegetable hybrid. 😀

  3. wordswithnannaprawn June 5, 2012 at 5:46 am #

    also not studying even though I have a capstone exam and an essay due next Tuesday…have spent the day decorating a modcloth box to store my letters in with ribbons, and stamps I’ve cut off all the envelopes of all the letters my family have sent from overseas since I emigrated 6 years ago…..when I could just have been procrastinating with gummy bears instead 🙂 good luck in your exam, just cram Sunday night!!

  4. Mindy Bowman June 5, 2012 at 9:12 am #

    Hilarious! You have thoroughly entertained us with your non-studay habits. I think you can call the day a success! Good luck on your LSAT!

  5. Kay Rice June 5, 2012 at 10:48 am #

    You have a special gift to pass along smiles! Keep spreading your wings!

  6. EzraWontShutUp June 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Thank you for the gummy explanation. I wholeheartedly agree. I think you missed one though. Hunger Games. You stand several bears up in a bowl, then slowly eat each one in a different way. The last one gets clemency and gets to live in the refrigerator until the next round.

  7. hallkimberley June 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    Reblogged this on ABK and commented:
    It’s too good not to share! Magically perfect. This is becoming one of my favorite weekly reads… 🙂

  8. vegan farm girl in the city June 6, 2012 at 6:01 am #

    I am also taking the LSAT on Monday and am currently not studying. I stave off the study impulse by baking and cleaning. You missed my favorite gummy bear decimation technique. The Pop Top – hold the bear at either end then twist the bear at the neck region until the head pops off. Eat either half first, depending on which has offended you most before beginning the operation.

  9. Hala J. June 7, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    I wish I could get paid to teach a class about the art of not-studying. I’m very bloody good at it and I wish someone would give me props for that. I see that you, without a shadow of a doubt, also have that exceptional gift. I have to admit that I never knew there were so many ways to eat gummy bears. I hate gummy bears. (Don’t kill me). But I really don’t. Perhaps that’s why I never thought about the proper way to eat them. Well, should I ever lose my mind one day and have a gummy bear craving, I shall definitely keep this post in mind!

    Good luck on your LSAT!! 🙂

  10. ethewriter June 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    I’m glad to see that someone else knows of the proper techniques of consuming gummy bears! I thoroughly enjoyed the names you gave to the techniques! I, myself, am particularly fond of the Velociraptor – although I call it Jaws and take off the legs first. 🙂

  11. Blankistaken June 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    I am also taking the exam on Monday. The proper way to eat gummy bears sounds like a good technique that I should pick up. Loved your post! Good luck! 🙂

  12. heidicwallace June 8, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    The guys and I eat gummy bears together a lot in our dorm, and I always love that everyone eats the differently lol
    I personally like to vary my technique… it keeps the bears watching from the bag on their little toes.

  13. Legal Rabbit June 13, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

    Best of luck with your LSAT! It’s a stress-inducing devil & I am SOO glad I’m over with it. Love your drawings– I’m a Crusher!

    Cheers,
    LR @ Down the Legal Rabbit Hole

  14. averystrangeplace November 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    I stab my gummy bears with toothpicks till they are soaked in their own deliciousness. It’s torturelicious!

    • Erica November 11, 2012 at 6:33 pm #

      Lol, you could call it the “Vlad Tepes III”… or, more simply, the “Dracula IRL” if I remember my history channel documentaries correctly 🙂

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