Being Adult: Because I’m a Lady. That’s Why.

10 Jul

Hey y’all 😀
Happy Monday Tuesday? Yes.
I like titling things, and then giving them subtitles. It makes me happy. SO I’ve decided that since I have a lot of things to say about my transition from teenager-hood to adult-get-a-real-life-hood, that I’m going to label them ”Being Adult”. Maybe this will also give me a reason to use the ‘Categories’ function too. So fancy.

As a college student approaching graduation, I’ve been collecting advice about: 1) How To Be Financially Independent From Your Parents and 2) How To Be A Classy Lady.

In regards to the second point, the best advice that I’ve gotten had come from ‘The Aristocats’: ladies don’t start fights but they can finish them and ‘Because I’m a lady, that’s why’ is an appropriate response for any occasion.

From personal experience, though, I’ve figured out that, as a lady, I gotta start reading labels before I buy important stuff—like pads.

[Hey guys. I know you guys cover your ears and walk away every time a girl starts talking about ‘feminine supplies’. I know this. I have brothers who do the exact same thing. But chill out, yo, because I have a solution.

Every time you read ‘pad’ or whatever just replace the word with PANDA, in your mind. BAM. Problem solved. You’re welcome.
I’ll even place in some visual clues, because, if you’re like my brothers, you’ll forget…
…then I’ll end up stuck at work because you got caught up in a heated part of Half Life 2 and couldn’t stop until you reached the Auto Save. Not cool, man. Not cool.]

I mentioned in my last blog post that it is impossible to walk into a grocery store and just find one particular thing. A couple of weeks ago, that item was [PANDAS] pads.

I was hoping that this would be a quick trip in and out—with minimal human interaction.

However, I was in a Kroger that I wasn’t very familiar with.
I didn’t have a firm layout of the store, but I figure:

The [PANDAS] pads would be in the same isle as the other stuff for ladies, right? The isle with the fancy shampoo and soap and baby stuff.
When I got to the isle, low and behold, there are these huge, bright pink packs with a picture of a [PANDA] pad on the front.
As I take a pack off the shelf, though, I notice an old guy in the isle across from me and he is giving me the look of judgment. He has two different brands of toothpaste in his hands, and is clearly making the difficult choice between Crest and Colgate.

I respond with, “Because I’m a lady, that’s why!”—in my head, at least. Then I drop eye contact and walk away.

I have found the item in less than five minutes! Success!
This is how adults do things. Efficently. I know, because, at this point, I’m feeling like the most adult-y adult there ever was.

I go through the self-checkout like a boss.

Do you have a Kroger Card?

Hell yes, I do. Well, my parents do. Same-same.

Press the ‘Cash’ button if you’re using cash, and ‘Card’ if you’re using—

Cash. Like a boss.

Put you bills into the bill slot face up—

BAM. Done.

Collect excess cash out of the cash dispenser and coins out of the coin dispenser. Thank you for shopping at Kroger.

I collect my cash and my bag, snap the receipt out of the machine, and walk out of Kroger and into the sweet air of victory.

Then I got into my car…

Once I get into the car, I set the bag down next to me and out of the corner of my eye… I see something.

What I saw was the word ‘bladder’.

Oh @!!#%$^.

I take them out of the bag and read the label.

Pads, indeed. They were pads for ‘discreet bladder protection’ and ‘unexpected wetness’. Not normal pads. Could these even be used for… what I needed them for? Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t know.

Pandas– for the woman on the go

I could go in, return them, and get what I need… but do I really want to explain this to someone?

Oh, hello, could I exchange these bladder protecting pads for some of these other pads. I didn’t read the labels… on purpose. Stop laughing.

No. I wasn’t going to back in there to explain this to some judgmental cashier.

I still needed [PANDAS] pads, though, so I went back in there ready to buy some proper [PANDAS] pads.

I avoid all the employees who may have seen me come through a few minutes ago, and eventually reach the same isle as before—and that old guy is still in the same isle across from me. Apparently, toothpaste isn’t the only trick decision he has to make today, as he holds both the off brand deodorant and Old Spice deodorant in his hands.

We make eye contact for a moment. He smirks—he knew exactly what was going down.

‘Ladies don’t start fights, but they can finish them’ rang in my head, and I was tempted to give this guy a round house kick to the face.
Instead, I pretend that he didn’t exist, and looked up and down that isle. It has shampoo, conditioner, gels, hair brushes, baby products, and, apparently, bladder [PANDAS] pads.

But there are none of the [PANDAS] pads that I need in this isle. But where the hell else would they be?

I walk up and down that isle five or six times. Not there.

Then I walk up and down the cosmetics section. Not there.

Then, I try the next isle over. This isle is labeled: ‘Paper Towels. Toilet Paper. Paper Plates. Cleaning Supplies. School Supplies.’ Surly, it has to be here, because the next isle over are ‘Boxed Dinners. Soups. Condiments.’

I begin walking down and, once I get mid-way through, I spot them.

Between the paper towels and pencil sharpeners are the [PANDAS] pads that I’m looking for. Finally.

I quickly head to the self-checkout, and, as that machine says ‘Thank you for shopping at Kroger’, I can’t help but think:

Kroger 2-2.

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8 Responses to “Being Adult: Because I’m a Lady. That’s Why.”

  1. The Waiting July 10, 2012 at 7:14 pm #

    Buying adult diapers makes you the most grown-up adult there is. That indecisive toothpaste guy was just jealous 😉

  2. averystrangeplace July 10, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    What if I am a guy? Can I use the “because I’m a lady” response then?

    • Erica July 10, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

      YES! That might even be better than saying it as a lady! lol

  3. Kay Rice July 11, 2012 at 9:10 am #

    Lol Pandas I like that!

  4. beckony July 11, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    Frankly, I would just like to be able to find the same brand/style/thickness of pad twice in a row.

    • Erica July 12, 2012 at 10:46 pm #

      haha, I know, right? It’s like they replace the entire isle with an entirely new product line every single month.

  5. wordswithnannaprawn July 17, 2012 at 7:52 am #

    Now, you might think this way too naff for your super cool blog but I’ve nominated you anyway for a ‘one lovely blog’ award……maybe you can edit the picture into a robotical improvement?!! It’s given with the best of intentions but don’t feel like you have to pass on or follow the rules etc, just wanted to acknowledge you as one of my fave blogs 🙂
    http://wordswithnannaprawn.com/2012/07/17/hello-to-the-1000th-hit-and-my-first-blog-award-whoop-whoop/

    • Erica July 17, 2012 at 10:45 am #

      Lol, I clocked ten hours yesterday playing a game called “Dragon Age: Origins”… and lost all hope of being one of the cool kids. 🙂 Thanks for the award, though! It’s incredibly sweet of you!
      Also, I noticed from your blog (and the word “naff”) that you’re from Australia! How cool is that! I defiantly want to vacation in Australia one day– when I have a job that pays more than minimum wage… It’s definitely on my bucket list.

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