As If I Need Another Reason Not To Drive

2 Dec

Hey guys!

The other day I was talking to a friend at work–uuuggghhh, work– and, whilst we were staring at customers like creepers, my friend showed me a neat trick– how to open ketchup like a classy person.

As someone without any etiquette training to speak of, I try to pick up tips on how to be “classy” when I can, so I got her to show me. Now, my friend, let me show you.

This is how I used to open ketchup:

ketchup

Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% FUN!!!

When I opened ketchup, my natural instinct was to tear off a corner and squeeze it out. There’s even an arrow in the top corners telling you to do that.

The corner-tear method is pretty awesome. After all, who doesn’t want to make their french fried and hamburgers look like they were created with the blood of the innocents?!

However, when I saw this new method, I was instantly converted:

ketchup1

Classy Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% LESS MURDER!

Whoa.

She uses her finger nails– though, for those of us that bite our nails, teeth work too if you’re careful to not spill it all over your face– and just tears it across the top.

NOW you got a pocket. You don’t have to create a battle scene with ketchup all over the fallen warriors that were your fries. You can just dip them in without the messy, stickiness. It’s like magic!

If you’re still into creating a battle scene with your fries, you just gotta be a bit more creative. For example, I usually take the ‘ritual-sacrifice-into-a-volcano-of-whirling-death’ method in which my french fry, for the continuance of the human race must sacrifice himself and appease the evil volcano wizards. Then, I eat him and humanity is saved.

However, there was one problem. Only one.

When I asked how she came up with this crazy awesome ketchup method, she said she needs it to drive.

“Wait, what? Driving?” I asked

“Yeah! I can hold the packet with one hand and dip the fry in with the other! No mess while I’m driving!”

She seemed really pleased with herself, but it did leave me with what looking question:

Is there a third hand that I don't know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul...

Is there a third hand that I don’t know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul…

How does she hold onto the wheel??

 

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2 Responses to “As If I Need Another Reason Not To Drive”

  1. Erinina December 2, 2012 at 12:40 am #

    Knee driving is a great skill to have. 😉

  2. supashmo December 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

    Hmm, that’s always a nice thing to ponder on the road.

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