Archive | March, 2013

The Glorious Grilled Cheese

3 Mar

Hey y’all! I’m Not Paula Deen, and I’m going to teach how to cook a great American classic– grilled cheese.

For those of y’all how have not had the pleasure of experiencing the glory that is the grilled cheese sandwich… go ahead and crawl out of that rock you’ve been living under. Grilled cheese is a heavenly combination of bread, cheese, and butter that could make even Paula Deen weep.

Earlier today a week or so ago, one of my favorite beauty vlogers, Essie Button, deviated from her normal videos and put up a video on how to make grilled cheese and— holy moly, it’s awesome.

Now, as a tride and true citizen of the state of Georgia, I have my own ways of making grilled cheese, so I decided to follow Essie’s directions and mix in my own flair for grilled cheese and see the result.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures until I was half way through eating it– so I’ve illustrated the steps with the memories from my brain.

Step One:

Ascertain boyfriend.

Well, I don’t have a boyfriend so I have mythical dragon at my side. He wears an apron too.


This is my dragon: Benny Dark-Lord-Of-Death. His apron would have had words and color…. but ain’t nobody got time for that.

Step Two: Bread time.

Essie used some uber fancy bread… but we’re a bit more simple than that up in my house. So I have a regular kroger brand bread– really, though, the important part is the crust. The crust is one of the best parts of the grilled cheese. Instead of using fancy bread, I use the two end pieces of the loaf. True story bro. It’s legit.

Step Three: Add fire.


As the Queen of Fire, my grilled cheeses tend to be extra crispy.

Normally, I’d use my stove– but, today, I have a dragon. So, instead of using the stove, you have to carefully balance the skillet on the nose of your dragon, much like a seal with a beach ball.

However, make sure you don’t tell your dragon that he’s like a seal with a beach ball because it will piss him off. Dragons like to think of themselves as fearsome beasts that haunt the nightmares of everyone– from small children to seasoned warriors. Therefore, while you are cooking your sandwich, be sure to encourage your dragon by saying things like:

Oh my gosh, you look so fearsome when you use your fiery-breath.

The sound you make when lighting a fire is like the sound of a thousand screaming children, or the whimper of dying kittens.

Or even,

This sandwich is going to be crispier than that village you burned up last week.


Essie added butter exactly where the sandwich is– but here in Georgia, Paula Deen is our state mascot, and we know better than that. Take your butter and spread it all over the pan. If you find yourself asking: is this enough butter, add a bit more and maybe that’s enough.

Step Five: It’s Cheese Time

Essie used pre-sliced cheese, and I’m all up on that. Just make sure that you don’t have too much coming up over the side of the bread, because the excess will melt and burn to the bottom of the pan.

Personally, I like to add a bit of cilantro, parsley, salt, and pepper at this point because it makes me feel like I actually know what I’m doing in the kitchen.

Step Six: Eggs, Bacon, Awesomeness

In her video, Essie just made a regular grilled cheese, but I woke up at noon today and wanted some breakfast.
I made scrambled eggs and hoisted it on top of the sandwich after I added the cheese, and you could do the same with bacon, salami, or whatever you like to have in your grilled cheese sammich.

Step Seven: The Other Bread

Stick the other piece of bread and put it on top of your cheese and egg mountain. Think of it like Bilbo Baggins has just gotten to the Misty Mountains and has seen the treasure of cheese and egg guarded by a great and terrible dragon– our metaphorical bread dragon.

Apparently, there are many dragons involved in the making of a grilled cheese. Who knew?

Step Eight: Acrobatics!

After a few moments, when the bottom piece has gotten all nice and crispy, you’ll need to flip it. This part get’s a bit tricky because your dragon assistant is already balancing your pan precariously on his nose, and now you have to use a spatula and try to flip it.

Step Nine: Reassembly

Now that you’ve dropped your sandwich, and it’s contents are spread chaotically across your skillet, it’s time to reassemble. Don’t worry, it’s not too hard: bread, egg, cheese, crispy bread.

Step Ten: Mo’ Butter

To add butter to the other side of the sammich, Aslan and Essie picked up the sandwich and added the butter.

I, however, am lazy. I scoot the flipped sandwich to the other side of the pan and, on the empty side, I toss in some butter. Once it’s mostly melted, I scoot the sandwich back over.

Yeah, I’m a boss.

Step Eleven: Plate time!

Once your bread is nice and crispy, your sandwich is pretty much done, bro. Tell your mythical dragon that his reign of chaos and destruction will have to be saved for another day.

Congratulations! You now have a delicious grilled cheese sammich!

This would have been a picture of a grilled cheese, but I ate it before I even thought about taking a pic.

This would have been a picture of a grilled cheese, but I ate it before I even thought about taking a pic. Needless to say, light came down from the heavens and shined on me whilst I ate it.

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