Archive | April, 2013

Just Being Honest

23 Apr

Hey y’all!

Sometimes, I wonder what high school people go to where they did not learn that bathrooms echo.

Fun fact, walk into any woman’s bathroom, and your voice will carry and echo—you’re conversation isn’t like Bilbo trying to sneak past Golum, all quiet and sneaky and successful. No. At best, you’d be more like Bill the Pony just wanting to follow Sam into the Mines of Moria like a faithful little pony… but you can’t because you’re just a pony…

Or, you’re like Pippin when everyone’s trying to quiet and stealthy up in those Mines of Moria– because everyone know those mines are filled with orcs. But then, because you’re not the brightest crayon in the hobbit crayon box, you stumble into a skeleton and push it down a well. Now everyone knows y’all are in Moria, Pippin. Pippin! You fool of a Took!

Right. Point being, there’s no chance you’re going to be successful.

When I walked into the bathrooms at work the other day, I heard something that I haven’t heard in a long time:

Now, I’m just being honest…

That phrase caught my ear—probably because I haven’t heard it since high school. I thought people grew out of the phrase. I thought people understood. I guess, hoping that I’d never hear that phrase again was like hoping Sam would ever get his precious pony back.

When people say, “Now I’m just being honest”, it seems like what they literally mean is “this is my subjective-somewhat-exaggerated-opinion”. Any logical person would think that “I’m just being honest” was something you could take literally—but no.

The idea that you had to preface this sentence with the phrase “Now, I’m just being honest” is a huge red-flag for me. What were you doing at every other point in this conversation? Lying to me? Lying to yourself? Telling Bill the Pony that Sam will be back in a minute?

Sam will not be back in jiffy, Bill, and you are not “just being honest”.

When I was a little bitty human being in second grade, I looked a bit like a hobbit, as most kids do. Every Monday our teacher would do a “characteristic of the week”, and, more than one week, we had honesty. It was around this time when I first heard this phrase.

The teacher would say, “Honesty is very important. Can you think of any good examples of someone being honest?”

Then that one kid—there’s always ‘that-one-kid’, even in the 2nd grade—would say, “Sometimes, cheaters tell the teacher on themselves and that’s honest.” That kid would get a gold star and sucker from the teacher.

This unleashed a spree in my second grade class. Suddenly, every kid who had ever done anything wrong would be like, “TEACHER! I CHEATED!” And, because they were being honest, they’d get no punishment AND a sucker.

Chaos. Mayhem. Destruction– 2nd grade.

When people say, “I’m just being honest”, my brain comes back to that. I imagine that this 20 to 40 year old woman gossiping in the bathroom was once a second grade girl who learned the definition of honesty, put it into practice, and got a sucker for it.

The thing is, we aren’t in 2nd grade anymore. “Just being honest” isn’t a pass to say or do whatever you want, bro— and you can’t throw a skeleton down the well and expect Gandalf to be alright with that.

I thought this was a basic fact that you learned in 3rd grade, around the same time you learned that gossiping in the bathroom was a terrible idea because bathrooms always echo…

Peace out, my home slices!

P.S. I made some more typographic things. I’ve posted them below, but, for the future, I’ll probably just throw them onto:

Pinterest or Tumblrthe fault


My Life was not Made By Disney

7 Apr

Hey guys!

My life has been a madhouse—cray, as us gangsters say.

After years and years of not fitting in at home, feeling a little awkward, some big beardy man came up to me a few weeks ago and was all like “If you become a hero, you’ll get to live in this big awesome mansion. You should totally do it!”

And, because I take advice from complete strangers, I went for it.

I grabbed my side kick—a short little guy with some goat legs. I don’t know what the deal with the goat legs is. I figured it was rude to ask or stare too closely.

Day after day, we walked straight into the craziest situations and saved people—more or less. We stepped on some snakes, slayed some dragons, took some orphans out of the bottom of wells.

People were screaming my name. Confetti was involved. There was no cake. The cake was a lie.

After a few months of utilizing my incredible strength to save the people who can’t save themselves, I was within an inch of that fancy mansion that beardy man was talking about…

… and then there was a catch.

The beardy man gave me a look. It was one of those weird looks that people give you when you have something on your face, but no one wants to tell you. It’s never a good situation.

Apparently, sidekicks aren’t allowed. Particularly, sidekicks with goat feet. Haters.

It wasn’t until I woke up with my face on my keyboard and imprints of keys on my face that I realized that I shouldn’t go to sleep with Hercules playing in the background.

In the meantime, I have gotten one of those “real people jobs”. From 8 to 5 I pretend to be a fully functioning adult. Then, when I get home, I crash into a stupor of Disney movies and sleep.

I don’t have much free time anymore, but, occasionally, I’ll get around to messing with some image editing website. Me and Pixlr have become besties as of late– but I wasn’t quite sure what to do with my creations… then I realized, that’s totally the point of a blog, right? Right. Yeah. Absolutely.

jude the obscure

If I had read this quote in middle school, I would have downed in a pool of Evanescence, terrible poetry, and depressing literature.

the book thief

The first line from The Book Thief– one of my favorite books. True story bro.

the dresden files

I’m slowly making my way through the The Dresden Files series, and lines like this bring a goofy look to my face that make people think that I’m a bit crazy.

hebrews 1112

You know, I don’t think I’d ever heard this verse until I saw it on tumblr… I figure, I lost all my free time somewhere between tumblr and Pixlr and work. Oh, and traffic.

This is pretty much how I’ve been spending my free time lately. Feel free to leave suggestions for quotes, or tips on how to make this stuff better. My little cubicle at work will probably be littered with these things–and that’s really what I’m hoping for.

Oh, also, I’ll be posting these things to pinterest, so feel free to check them out ther’: Pinn ALL THE THINGS.
Peace out my home slices!

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