Tag Archives: awesome

How I Made Fire Smell Like Cookies

11 Jan

Hey guys! Guess what?? It’s story time!

When I was in elementary school, lightening hit our house and the resulting fire burned it down.

When I was in sixth, seventh, and eighth grade I had a series of vivid nightmares involving people… well, burning. I couldn’t use a stove without flinching during middle school.

I wanted to punch all those pyromaniacs in middle school in the face, but there were too many of them.

When I was in eighth grade one of my brothers and his friend decided to play the lite-all-the-things-on-fire game one lovely Saturday afternoon… It caught fire to his sheets. At the end of a long and very stressful day, our house was left in a heap of extra-crispy wood clumps.

If you’ve ever seen Stranger Then Fiction with Will Ferrell– best movie ever– think about that moment when Harold raises his arms in the air and yells hopelessly at the narrator… I had one of those moments that day.

In high school, our dog house, the backyard, a calender, and a small pile of sticks caught fire as well– still my brother and his friend. You would think after, you know, burning down the house, they’d burn up all their fire-related curiosity (Haha, you see what I did there? Yeah, Shakespeare ain’t got nothing on this witty lady).

But no. Apparently, that’s not how little brothers work.

What this led to was a strong sense of caution around fire, verging on pyro-phobia, that followed me well into college.

Today, however, I did something cool.

I lit a candle.

candle

He didn’t talk to me as I thought he would. Regardless, I’ve decided to name him Calcifer. I expect he’ll ask me to go save his master Howl any moment now.

If you look on the label, it has cookies on it. I figured it was worth the risk, if it could make my life smell like baked goods.

I’m not sure where we got this candle. I found it laying in a drawer in my parents house. It could be a magic candle, I guess, set there by the same lady that gave life to Pinocchio.

On the other hand, though, it could be an evil candle, set there by a dark wizard from the future determined to destroy me before I get to a point in my life where I do something vaguely important. Either way, my life has just before much more interesting.

The smell of the candle is somewhat disappointing, though. It smells like a creamy-sugary-delicious smell, not the burning-crispy-brick smell that I usually get from homemade cookies.

My next life goal is to set fire to the rain. Go big or go home, as they say.

Advertisements

Thoughts and Hippos

8 Jan

First, this is my hippo. His name is Fat-Fat. I don’t know why I named him that it just felt right.

fatfat

He really loves filters. It’s probably because he models for Instagram when he isn’t protecting my desk.

Second, I have thoughts sometimes that I have to get out of my head… and these are them. 😀

Revolving doors are fun. They let you go faster and faster, and, if you’re skilled, you can pull your feet up and balance between two sides of the glass and let it carry you in circles. It’s the best feeling. But don’t do it while going into a job interview. They will remember your face, and they will ask you about it. They might not hire you.

I remember in high school when people used to say, “Don’t stress out about what other people think of you because no one will even remember you in, like, 10 years.” But that’s not exactly true.
If you got into a fight in front of me in middle/high school, I remember your face, I remember your name, and I remember how you thought you were the next karate kid. If you don’t look like Mr. Miyagi at our high school reunion, I will be disappointed.

When walking around a book store, it’s often hard to tell the difference between the paranormal romance and the regular romance section, but it is very easy to tell when you’ve gone from the romance section into the erotica section. If there are handcuffs on the cover and you’re not standing in the mystery/thriller section, it’s probably erotica.

On a related note, if you’ve walked into a section where every cover is of a teenage girl in a fluffy dress staring you down like she is about to stab you or kiss you, you’re probably in teen paranormal romance.

I like to tell myself that every single thing that appears on my television is made up. It’s all fiction, they’re all paid actors, and the advice they give you only applies if you live in Narnia. I prefer not to believe that the people on Hoarders or Oprah or Property Virgins actually exist. Try it. You’ll feel tons better about the state of humanity… and of the world.

Most songs out there are shallow, narcissistic, and would make you want to punch the person if they said it in real life. Once I accepted this and embraced it, listening to the radio became a bajillion times easier to handle:

Oh, hello Taylor Swift– marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone, I love you and that’s all I really knowDid you become Romeo, TSwift? That’s new. Both Romeo and Juliet? Hm. That costume change must be tricky–I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress— And this is the part where you kill yourself on top of her seemingly dead body, isn’t it? Gah, but you are BOTH Romeo AND Juliet. How does that work?! DEATH-CEPTION.

Whenever entering a party, always know your exits: the doors, the windows, the windows with the fire escapes, the fragile looking walls that look like they could be kicked down. You never know when a fire or a riot or an apocalypse will happen. Also, if an awkward moment happens, nothing eases the tension like an escape that makes everyone think that there is a riot, fire, or apocalypse happening.

Sometimes, you see someone on the bus that looks like a Muppet and you will want to tell them. Don’t do it.

People will say, “That’s so deep” for the most ridiculous things.
Omg, He wrote Peace Love Happiness on his wall. That’s so deep.
Omg, you only live once?? That’s so deep.
Omg, my sugar cookies burned in the oven. That’s so deep.
Omg, the DON’T WALK symbol is red like the blood that will be spilled when ‘the man’ smacks you down, j-walker. That’s so deep.

I wish my life were like a video game. I would be like Scott Pilgrim, but with a college degree. I really love garlic bread.

I hope you enjoyed these bits of wisdom and thoughts from my brain.
Have a lovely day my home slices 🙂
Peace out.

How to Defeat the Huns

20 Apr

First, if you’re a female, go ahead, and dress up as a guy. Lower your voice. Get used to not bathing.

Oh, and when your captain dismisses you for being a pansy/weakling, climb a pole. That’ll show him that you’re legit.

If you’re an army caption, motivate your crew. Mock their masculinity and strength by saying things like “did they send me daughters when they asked for sons?” or “you’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot”. Don’t worry about the hateful look their giving you—those are really looks of motivated devotion.

If you’re part of the crew always: Be a man. Be tranquil as a forest, but a fire within. And be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Remember, once you find your center, you’ll be sure to win.

Apparently, I’ve been watching too much Mulan lately (pft… like there a such thing as too much Mulan).

Anyway, I noticed that I’ve been writing a lot about my assignments, so I figure I’d change the pace a little.

I got a cookbook the other day… One of my favorite things to do is to go to our campus bookstore and head to the “clearance books” section. The books that are immediately visible tend to be a random stack of books written by Politians, but, right behind those, are the cook books. And they are awesome.

The pictures are big and glossy, and when you look at them you can’t help but think:

Food is an art. I own a kitchen. I could be an artist. With food.

Rainbows=art.
Food=art
Rainbows+Food = High Art

These books are a lot of fun to look at, but I’ve noticed they’ve given me delusions of grandeur about what I’m actually capable of in the kitchen. For example, I got this one book called “Pasta… Made Simple”, and, though I haven’t tried these recipes, I know one thing for sure—this pasta is anything but simple.  I look at most of the recipes, and I have to ask myself “What the hell does that mean?” And looking at the picture doesn’t help much either– it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

How am I supposed to know what the dish should look like when the pictures are all of noodle and chicken?

Sometimes the noodles are green.

Sometimes the noodles are… rice.

But it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

I have another book that’s called “Chicken Dishes” and it’s a little bit more down to earth. I look at the picture, recognize the ingredients, and think, I can do this.

But no.

As soon as I get to the kitchen, I realize I don’t own most of the ingredients. There will be a list of 10 ingredients with things like chili powder, ginger, or chicken stock– and the only things I will have on the list are chicken and salt. And noodles.

So all I end up eating are noodles and chicken anyway.

I guess this is what happens when you buy a cook book because the pictures are pretty.

Occupation: Awesome

9 Feb

So, I recently decided that when I graduate from college I am going to pursue a career of being awesome.

You see, when I tell people that I’m graduating next winter and that I’m majoring in English and Economics, they’re all like:

“Oh, so you plan to be a teacher.”

Then, I have to be all like,

“Uh… no. Large groups of children sounds like torture.”

Typically, they’ll then tend to tilt their head and squint at me as they ask,

“Are you going to law school?”

I’m a moderately indecisive person, so the answer to that question changes every once and a while.

Nonetheless, this interrogation happens with every adult that I come across– sometimes twice with the same adult. From what I can gather, they’re trying to gauge how successful I’ll be as an adult. So I’ve some up with the answer that they’re really looking for:

“When I graduate I’m gonna be awesome.”

I’ve known for a while now that I’d be awesome once I graduated– but it always seemed weird to tell people. They’d ask skeptical questions like:

“Oh, so how much does that pay?” or “Haha, but really. What do you plan to do?”

I’ve come up to answers for both of those though:

1. It pays a hell of a lot more than you’re making.

2. Be awesome, clearly. It’s part of job description.

%d bloggers like this: