Tag Archives: college

As If I Need Another Reason Not To Drive

2 Dec

Hey guys!

The other day I was talking to a friend at work–uuuggghhh, work– and, whilst we were staring at customers like creepers, my friend showed me a neat trick– how to open ketchup like a classy person.

As someone without any etiquette training to speak of, I try to pick up tips on how to be “classy” when I can, so I got her to show me. Now, my friend, let me show you.

This is how I used to open ketchup:


Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% FUN!!!

When I opened ketchup, my natural instinct was to tear off a corner and squeeze it out. There’s even an arrow in the top corners telling you to do that.

The corner-tear method is pretty awesome. After all, who doesn’t want to make their french fried and hamburgers look like they were created with the blood of the innocents?!

However, when I saw this new method, I was instantly converted:


Classy Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% LESS MURDER!


She uses her finger nails– though, for those of us that bite our nails, teeth work too if you’re careful to not spill it all over your face– and just tears it across the top.

NOW you got a pocket. You don’t have to create a battle scene with ketchup all over the fallen warriors that were your fries. You can just dip them in without the messy, stickiness. It’s like magic!

If you’re still into creating a battle scene with your fries, you just gotta be a bit more creative. For example, I usually take the ‘ritual-sacrifice-into-a-volcano-of-whirling-death’ method in which my french fry, for the continuance of the human race must sacrifice himself and appease the evil volcano wizards. Then, I eat him and humanity is saved.

However, there was one problem. Only one.

When I asked how she came up with this crazy awesome ketchup method, she said she needs it to drive.

“Wait, what? Driving?” I asked

“Yeah! I can hold the packet with one hand and dip the fry in with the other! No mess while I’m driving!”

She seemed really pleased with herself, but it did leave me with what looking question:

Is there a third hand that I don't know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul...

Is there a third hand that I don’t know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul…

How does she hold onto the wheel??


Oh look! It’s a thing!

5 Nov

So, guys, I bet you’re wondering:

Where’s Erica been these last few… weeks? Months? Whatever.

Well, y’all, it’s been a bit crazy.

I went to war to reclaim my family’s honor, fought some Huns, met a guy that was way too intense— oh, wait.

Never mind guys. I just remembered. I’m not Mulan.

Well, I guess, instead of fighting off the Huns, I fought off midterms. Same-same, really.

The main exam cycle is beginning to fade with the onset of Thanksgiving Break. Thus, 95% of campus is depressed, tired, and questioning their life choices. Meanwhile only 80% of campus is learning what an “overdraft fee” is.

It’s a party.

In light of this phase of college life, the popular choice of conversation topic is “Uhhhh! Professors! Money! Life!” As a senior, I’ve had this conversation countless times… It always makes me laugh when I hear stories of famous intellectuals that would have legit-intellectual conversation in college. What is this nonsense?!??

In other news, I’m currently procrastinating the writing of a short essay. It’s funny how professors say “short-essay” but they mean “an essay”. I think it’s a trick they teach you in graduate school. Perhaps there will be a whole class on it in law school.

Besides the “short essay”, you know what else is a lie??


This is clearly the best way to end a blog post that has no cohesive structure or point… with a reference to a video game that is somewhat obscure. Really, though, cake is the best way to end anything.

The Feeling You Get When You Realize Your Brain Might Explode Into Confetti– Along With Your Bank Account

23 Aug

Right. Is the title long enough? I think I may need to insert a few more unnecessary words there.

I’m taking a self-defense class this semester. The problem with this, however, is that I’m about as non- threatening as a baby kangaroo. When I punched the cushy blue box thing, I half expected it to break out in giggling. Hopefully, by the end of the semester, I’ll be able to give that condescending giggly box a roundhouse kick to the face.
I’m also taking a couple of English and Economics classes since this is *sigh* my last semester. In these first few days, though, I’ve been more stressed out than usual because the textbooks are so ridiculously expensive.

On one hand, you have the English Department full of professors who aren’t particularly wealthy, so they’ll say, “Yeah, I know you guys are probably as broke as I am—haha– so the books for this class are fairly cheap.” Then, they’ll look at you as though you’re supposed to be thankful for the “cheap” books… right.

Well, Doctor Professor Literature Man or Lady, let me introduce you to a concept called ‘adding and subtracting’.
Sure, the books on your syllabus would normally be cheap because they’ve been in the public domain for some 200 years now. BUT, Mr. Professor, in your syllabus, do you say, “Just bring whatever copy you want to class”?

No. You don’t.

According to your syllabus, we have to have the Penguin-Carried-All-The-Way-Back-From-The-9th-Circle-Of-Hell Edition, so we can all “follow along in class” and “engage in a cohesive discussion”. After all, maybe by having the same edition, we’ll all suddenly be inspired to actually have a discussion about the relevance of that random semi-colon that you pointed out.

Oh, and, there is also that small line that says, “No devices with an internet connection are allow in class.” Guess what has an internet connection, Doctor Professor? My kindle and almost every eReader out there. Fantastic.

Maybe, it wouldn’t be so bad if it was just that one special edition that we needed for class. Then, perhaps, you could still get away with calling your book list “cheap”.

But you didn’t put just one book on your syllabus that requires a particular edition, Mr. Professor.

You put ten.

One for every level of hell and an extra just for kicks, I suppose.


In the Economics department, you’ll see an equally expensive book list—except it’ll just be one book. The professors in this department, however, are much more direct about the price—they’ll tell you on the first day of class that the book costs more than what we make in a month.

This is the point in which a challenge is issued.

Challenge, if you choose to except it (or if you can’t afford the new book), is to find the book cheaply.

It would seem simple, right? Kind of like economics seems to “simply” deal with supply and demand, we students need to “simply” find the book for the lowest price possible.

Like economics, however, things are not that simple.

There are your standard book sites: your campus bookstore, Barnes and Nobel, Amazon, eBay, Craigslist.

These site generally sell hard copies and, in order to get one, you almost always have to make sure that you’re buying from another person—not the company. The cheapest books are usually being resold by other students.

These books, however, have a strong demand—namely, all the other students in your class. If you’re quick, you can get a good physical copy for maybe 25% off the new price. Occasionally, you can rent books for an even steeper reduction in price, but not all services provide it and, sometimes, it’s costly or time consuming to return it.

However, you have another option if you have a stable internet connection and a penchant for look at bright light—namely, eBooks. Or, even, rented eBooks.

With new devices and newer websites, there’s an ever increasing source for textbooks, and, with some patience, students can decrease the price from a month’s wages to only a week’s wages.

In the econ department, however, I can only imagine a group of econ professors trying to one-up each other on stories of how their students got their books.

Regardless, I now have to sit around checking tracking numbers every two seconds, hoping my books come in before assignments are due. In the mean time, I’ve been on YouTube and I was over joyed to find out the Dwight Schrutt (from the The Office) is 1) a person in real life and 2) has made a few YouTube videos. This one is my favorite so far:

I Have a Type Of Illness Known as “College”: A Procrastination Induced Post

6 Apr

NOTE: When re-reading this post, I noticed that there is a lot of economics-jargon-stuff in here. If you aren’t an econ major and don’t know what any particular work means, replace that word withPanda. It’ll make just as much sense and be 10x as funny.

Within the next week I have my senior thesis for my economics major due. Since there’s only a week left to finish it, I’m at a point where I can no longer pretend that watching videos of econ-raps and reading through “Economists Do It With Models” count as writing the essay.

I’ve been studying this stuff for so long—and, for the last month, so intensely—that I started applying basic economics to random situations… or maybe I’m just going insane.

For example, when walking to Starbucks, I saw a shop that has a broken window… I thought of
this video I saw in one of my classes.

I’m also taking a class in Old English Literature, and came up with a payoff matrix to describe a pre-battle dialogue…

Yeah, this isn't exactly how it went down, but it was a good excuse to draw a viking 😀
Oh, and in the payoff-chart-matrix-thing, most of the numbers are random, though I always assumed that if a battle occured, the vicking would win. The have some epic beards. Their victory is inevitable.

I overheard a girl on the bus telling her friend, “Well, Walmart’s a monopoly, and it forces all the small businesses in the area to close”… and it took a lot of effort not to cry. I figure that the frustration I felt due to her conversation was a negative externality and, to make her internalize this externality, I should make her give me a dollar.

I think I am going insane, though. I’ll probably ask a psychology-major-friend about it. It seems like loosely applying economics to everything I see should be a symptom of something. Maybe it’s rabies. Or mad cow disease… but I’ll leave all the diagnosing to my not-yet-a-doctor-friends.

I also noticed that the quality of my diet seems inversely related to the quantity of school work that I need to do. Since I’m avoiding my essay, I’ve made a chart:

Once the semester starts, the quantity of work I have to do is directly related to the number of pancakes I consume and inversely related to the quality of food I eat (because of all the pancakes).

The whiny voice of the economist that lives in my head reminds me that ‘correlation does not imply causation’— but, in this case, one defiantly causes the other.

Now that I’m thinking about it, I think I know what’s wrong.

I’m suffering from a psychological illness known as “college”. It’s a simple illness that drags you from points of calmness to points of extreme stress spontaneously across a two to four year period.  They say this illness makes you smart, but, really, it just makes you the same type of crazy as everybody else in your chosen industry.

Occupation: Awesome

9 Feb

So, I recently decided that when I graduate from college I am going to pursue a career of being awesome.

You see, when I tell people that I’m graduating next winter and that I’m majoring in English and Economics, they’re all like:

“Oh, so you plan to be a teacher.”

Then, I have to be all like,

“Uh… no. Large groups of children sounds like torture.”

Typically, they’ll then tend to tilt their head and squint at me as they ask,

“Are you going to law school?”

I’m a moderately indecisive person, so the answer to that question changes every once and a while.

Nonetheless, this interrogation happens with every adult that I come across– sometimes twice with the same adult. From what I can gather, they’re trying to gauge how successful I’ll be as an adult. So I’ve some up with the answer that they’re really looking for:

“When I graduate I’m gonna be awesome.”

I’ve known for a while now that I’d be awesome once I graduated– but it always seemed weird to tell people. They’d ask skeptical questions like:

“Oh, so how much does that pay?” or “Haha, but really. What do you plan to do?”

I’ve come up to answers for both of those though:

1. It pays a hell of a lot more than you’re making.

2. Be awesome, clearly. It’s part of job description.

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