Tag Archives: cooking

The Glorious Grilled Cheese

3 Mar

Hey y’all! I’m Not Paula Deen, and I’m going to teach how to cook a great American classic– grilled cheese.

For those of y’all how have not had the pleasure of experiencing the glory that is the grilled cheese sandwich… go ahead and crawl out of that rock you’ve been living under. Grilled cheese is a heavenly combination of bread, cheese, and butter that could make even Paula Deen weep.

Earlier today a week or so ago, one of my favorite beauty vlogers, Essie Button, deviated from her normal videos and put up a video on how to make grilled cheese and— holy moly, it’s awesome.

Now, as a tride and true citizen of the state of Georgia, I have my own ways of making grilled cheese, so I decided to follow Essie’s directions and mix in my own flair for grilled cheese and see the result.

Unfortunately, I forgot to take pictures until I was half way through eating it– so I’ve illustrated the steps with the memories from my brain.

Step One:

Ascertain boyfriend.

Well, I don’t have a boyfriend so I have mythical dragon at my side. He wears an apron too.

dragon

This is my dragon: Benny Dark-Lord-Of-Death. His apron would have had words and color…. but ain’t nobody got time for that.

Step Two: Bread time.

Essie used some uber fancy bread… but we’re a bit more simple than that up in my house. So I have a regular kroger brand bread– really, though, the important part is the crust. The crust is one of the best parts of the grilled cheese. Instead of using fancy bread, I use the two end pieces of the loaf. True story bro. It’s legit.

Step Three: Add fire.

QUEENT OF FIRE

As the Queen of Fire, my grilled cheeses tend to be extra crispy.

Normally, I’d use my stove– but, today, I have a dragon. So, instead of using the stove, you have to carefully balance the skillet on the nose of your dragon, much like a seal with a beach ball.

However, make sure you don’t tell your dragon that he’s like a seal with a beach ball because it will piss him off. Dragons like to think of themselves as fearsome beasts that haunt the nightmares of everyone– from small children to seasoned warriors. Therefore, while you are cooking your sandwich, be sure to encourage your dragon by saying things like:

Oh my gosh, you look so fearsome when you use your fiery-breath.

The sound you make when lighting a fire is like the sound of a thousand screaming children, or the whimper of dying kittens.

Or even,

This sandwich is going to be crispier than that village you burned up last week.

Step Four: IT’S BUTTER TIME Y’ALL!

Essie added butter exactly where the sandwich is– but here in Georgia, Paula Deen is our state mascot, and we know better than that. Take your butter and spread it all over the pan. If you find yourself asking: is this enough butter, add a bit more and maybe that’s enough.

Step Five: It’s Cheese Time

Essie used pre-sliced cheese, and I’m all up on that. Just make sure that you don’t have too much coming up over the side of the bread, because the excess will melt and burn to the bottom of the pan.

Personally, I like to add a bit of cilantro, parsley, salt, and pepper at this point because it makes me feel like I actually know what I’m doing in the kitchen.

Step Six: Eggs, Bacon, Awesomeness

In her video, Essie just made a regular grilled cheese, but I woke up at noon today and wanted some breakfast.
I made scrambled eggs and hoisted it on top of the sandwich after I added the cheese, and you could do the same with bacon, salami, or whatever you like to have in your grilled cheese sammich.

Step Seven: The Other Bread

Stick the other piece of bread and put it on top of your cheese and egg mountain. Think of it like Bilbo Baggins has just gotten to the Misty Mountains and has seen the treasure of cheese and egg guarded by a great and terrible dragon– our metaphorical bread dragon.

Apparently, there are many dragons involved in the making of a grilled cheese. Who knew?

Step Eight: Acrobatics!

After a few moments, when the bottom piece has gotten all nice and crispy, you’ll need to flip it. This part get’s a bit tricky because your dragon assistant is already balancing your pan precariously on his nose, and now you have to use a spatula and try to flip it.

Step Nine: Reassembly

Now that you’ve dropped your sandwich, and it’s contents are spread chaotically across your skillet, it’s time to reassemble. Don’t worry, it’s not too hard: bread, egg, cheese, crispy bread.

Step Ten: Mo’ Butter

To add butter to the other side of the sammich, Aslan and Essie picked up the sandwich and added the butter.

I, however, am lazy. I scoot the flipped sandwich to the other side of the pan and, on the empty side, I toss in some butter. Once it’s mostly melted, I scoot the sandwich back over.

Yeah, I’m a boss.

Step Eleven: Plate time!

Once your bread is nice and crispy, your sandwich is pretty much done, bro. Tell your mythical dragon that his reign of chaos and destruction will have to be saved for another day.

Congratulations! You now have a delicious grilled cheese sammich!

This would have been a picture of a grilled cheese, but I ate it before I even thought about taking a pic.

This would have been a picture of a grilled cheese, but I ate it before I even thought about taking a pic. Needless to say, light came down from the heavens and shined on me whilst I ate it.

Geeking Out a Bit Over Christmas

26 Dec

Hey guys!

I hope you guys had a very lovely Christmas! My Christmas was full of geeky awesomeness, including an entire collection of Shakespeare plays with an embossed cover, the best coffee mug that I’ve ever seen, Christmas dinner that turned into a science experiment, and the new episode of Doctor Who.

[Holy flipping animal crackers y’all. As I am typing this– like right now– my youngest sister has put some batteries in an old Tickle Me Elmo– and it seems to be releasing a death scream and having a seizure at the same time. I might need to obtain some holy water… where does one buy holy water?]

The embossed collection of Shakespeare plays is pretty self-explanatory, but I feel like the coffee mug deserves special attention.

Nothing says ‘Good Morning’ like a coffee mug that’s painted the brightest yellow imaginable.

You may be asking yourself, ‘Well, that’s a pretty mug, but what makes it the ‘world’s best coffee mug”?

Well, there are three reasons:

1) It holds coffee.

Yeah, true story, bro.

Most things made to go with my coffee have earned a spot on my “Favorite Things Ever” list.

2) The line they used makes scansion look cool.

The line is from TS Elliot’s “Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock”. Normally, I don’t like Elliot’s poetry. I find it a bit pretentious and, as a student, annoying. However, this line is awesome– but not because of it’s meaning.
This line is cool because of how you can interpret the scansion. [It’s a fancy word referring to how the syllables in a word are accented. It just gives you a feel for the rhythem of a line. Words can either be accented, which is marked by a –, or unaccented, which is marked with a “U” shape.]

As a student, scansion is usually very painful because, half the time, it’s never very clear why a word is labeled as ‘accented’. BUT here it’s pretty cool.

Why??

Well, the accent pattern of the phrase “coffee spoons” makes a coffee spoon shape!

*Mind Blown*

Woah.

3) This line is super ironic considering they put it on a coffee cup.

This line from TS Eliot’s ‘The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock’ illustrates exactly why context is important, guys.

In short, Mr. Prufrock is a sad sad man.

Being able is ‘measure out [his] life in coffee spoons’ is, more or less, another way of measure how droll and melancholy his life has become. It’s not something to be happy about.

It become especially ironic when you consider that the creators of this cup used this literary reference, bright colors, and old-school typography to attract coffee drinkers, yet the context does not. Irony at its best.

There’s something about waking up to the morning– well, early afternoon most days– to a cup of coffee that causes you to question your life choices while feeding you delicious awesomeness.

[I wanted to get some holy water, but I feel like Elmo is watching me… his big old buggy eyes are just staring me down. Current theories include: possessed by the spirit of a velociraptor… well, that’s the end of the list. Amendments and additional theories are welcome.]

Anyway, Christmas dinner was a science experiment. Unfortunately, it was like one of those chemistry experiments from high school where you put too much of one chemical that you can’t pronounce into another chemical and, somehow, it doesn’t turn the special shade of pink that your chem teacher said it would if you had done it right…

Well, maybe, it’s not at all like that. It also wasn’t like a Myth Buster’s science experiment with explosions, mischief, and chaos… which was slightly disappointing.

I’m not sure where I was going with that.

Point being, cooking is hard and I am not good at it… If you need proof, I’ve actually written about my masterful culinary abilities before.

Then Christmas ended with the lovely new Doctor Who Christmas Special featuring the newest companion, Oswin Oswald, who is really good at dying.

There seem to be a lot of Doctor Who characters that are very good at dying and then not dying and coming back to life…

[Speaking of dying and coming back to life, we stuck the elmo in the closet where its creepy eyes can’t follow me. I’m hoping that, like a Furby, it’ll shut up if no one touches it, goes near it, or says its name out loud. I’m also hoping that, unlike the Furby, it won’t try to murder me in my sleep.]

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the rest of your winter break and that it is not haunted by images of demon-elmo.

Peace out my home slices!

How to Defeat the Huns

20 Apr

First, if you’re a female, go ahead, and dress up as a guy. Lower your voice. Get used to not bathing.

Oh, and when your captain dismisses you for being a pansy/weakling, climb a pole. That’ll show him that you’re legit.

If you’re an army caption, motivate your crew. Mock their masculinity and strength by saying things like “did they send me daughters when they asked for sons?” or “you’re a spineless, pale, pathetic lot”. Don’t worry about the hateful look their giving you—those are really looks of motivated devotion.

If you’re part of the crew always: Be a man. Be tranquil as a forest, but a fire within. And be as mysterious as the dark side of the moon.

Remember, once you find your center, you’ll be sure to win.

Apparently, I’ve been watching too much Mulan lately (pft… like there a such thing as too much Mulan).

Anyway, I noticed that I’ve been writing a lot about my assignments, so I figure I’d change the pace a little.

I got a cookbook the other day… One of my favorite things to do is to go to our campus bookstore and head to the “clearance books” section. The books that are immediately visible tend to be a random stack of books written by Politians, but, right behind those, are the cook books. And they are awesome.

The pictures are big and glossy, and when you look at them you can’t help but think:

Food is an art. I own a kitchen. I could be an artist. With food.

Rainbows=art.
Food=art
Rainbows+Food = High Art

These books are a lot of fun to look at, but I’ve noticed they’ve given me delusions of grandeur about what I’m actually capable of in the kitchen. For example, I got this one book called “Pasta… Made Simple”, and, though I haven’t tried these recipes, I know one thing for sure—this pasta is anything but simple.  I look at most of the recipes, and I have to ask myself “What the hell does that mean?” And looking at the picture doesn’t help much either– it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

How am I supposed to know what the dish should look like when the pictures are all of noodle and chicken?

Sometimes the noodles are green.

Sometimes the noodles are… rice.

But it all just looks like noodles with chicken.

I have another book that’s called “Chicken Dishes” and it’s a little bit more down to earth. I look at the picture, recognize the ingredients, and think, I can do this.

But no.

As soon as I get to the kitchen, I realize I don’t own most of the ingredients. There will be a list of 10 ingredients with things like chili powder, ginger, or chicken stock– and the only things I will have on the list are chicken and salt. And noodles.

So all I end up eating are noodles and chicken anyway.

I guess this is what happens when you buy a cook book because the pictures are pretty.

%d bloggers like this: