Tag Archives: food

As If I Need Another Reason Not To Drive

2 Dec

Hey guys!

The other day I was talking to a friend at work–uuuggghhh, work– and, whilst we were staring at customers like creepers, my friend showed me a neat trick– how to open ketchup like a classy person.

As someone without any etiquette training to speak of, I try to pick up tips on how to be “classy” when I can, so I got her to show me. Now, my friend, let me show you.

This is how I used to open ketchup:


Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% FUN!!!

When I opened ketchup, my natural instinct was to tear off a corner and squeeze it out. There’s even an arrow in the top corners telling you to do that.

The corner-tear method is pretty awesome. After all, who doesn’t want to make their french fried and hamburgers look like they were created with the blood of the innocents?!

However, when I saw this new method, I was instantly converted:


Classy Ketchup: Now with .9% ACTUAL TOMATO and 100% LESS MURDER!


She uses her finger nails– though, for those of us that bite our nails, teeth work too if you’re careful to not spill it all over your face– and just tears it across the top.

NOW you got a pocket. You don’t have to create a battle scene with ketchup all over the fallen warriors that were your fries. You can just dip them in without the messy, stickiness. It’s like magic!

If you’re still into creating a battle scene with your fries, you just gotta be a bit more creative. For example, I usually take the ‘ritual-sacrifice-into-a-volcano-of-whirling-death’ method in which my french fry, for the continuance of the human race must sacrifice himself and appease the evil volcano wizards. Then, I eat him and humanity is saved.

However, there was one problem. Only one.

When I asked how she came up with this crazy awesome ketchup method, she said she needs it to drive.

“Wait, what? Driving?” I asked

“Yeah! I can hold the packet with one hand and dip the fry in with the other! No mess while I’m driving!”

She seemed really pleased with herself, but it did leave me with what looking question:

Is there a third hand that I don't know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul...

Is there a third hand that I don’t know about? Can she drive with her knees?? These are the questions that plague my soul…

How does she hold onto the wheel??


Why I’d Never go to Culinary School– and a brief update.

11 Mar

Generally, I like cooking because I like eating. Though, usually, I get into the kitchen and I get a little ahead of myself. Once I get into the kitchen, I begin to think, “I’ve watched Paula Deen and Gordon Ramsey for years—I’m like some sort of masta’ chef!”

Between this crazy British guy and this southern food expert, I probably know all the things about food.

Full of unearned confidence and with access to your basic cooking ingredients, I google something that looks awesome—like this:

I got this recipie from the "sophistimom" blog, and it looks divine. Here's the link: http://www.sophistimom.com/one-pan-skillet-cookie/

Doesn’t that look amazing?! It sure does! Is it actually amazing? I have no idea.

Half way through, I realized that I didn’t have most the stuff I need to make this—but I’m the next Paula Dean. Surely, I can get around that, right? No butter? No chocolate chips?? No problem! I’m a super-chef, so I can substitute! Canola oil! Cocoa Powder! Problem solved. Don’t have an oven friendly skillet?? Cake pan! Same-same, right?


Well, this is what it looked like:

It looks like one of those mud-pies I made when I was little-- except, the mud pies didn't look like they could come to life and kill me.

It’s vaguely reminiscent of a brown sea-sponge. I was thinking of hiding it in the fridge, naming it Quasimodo, and never speaking of it again.

My friend and I, though, were daring and willing to do what it takes to beat this cookie into submission, so we went ahead and shoved that thing in the oven.

I’m glad to say, it didn’t explode, mutate, or come to life. It just tasted like a vaguely chocolate, oily cookie-in-a-cake-pan.

I suspect, though, that it’s really just an alien life form, waiting for me to eat it, so it can get into my body and take over my mind from there. Oh, maybe if I get possessed by an alien they’d put me in the new Men in Black movie… I need to google this.

— Other than this cooking disaster,I’m currently out for spring break. I’ve decided to update my blog every Friday or Saturday– though I’m going to try and post more than once a week if I can.  😀 Hopefully, I can spend some time this week preparing some good posts, though I may just spend that time watching the Food Network.

%d bloggers like this: