Around my birthday, I decided to get an adult skill and try sewing. As it turns out, those sewing machines are full of lies.
The box reads “easy to use”, but it’s just a trap! You get the machine out and situated on the table, and, at this point, you’re still full of hope and wonder at all the things you’ll make. Then you look at the instruction packet—this is your biggest mistake.
This Barbie-sized instruction packet has images and words and arrows, but none of it makes sense! It’s all like “Put the string on the knob, loop it around Point A, bring it down to knob X, past the fires of Mount Doom, and get it into the tiny needle hole”.
And you’re left to ask “What the hell? What does that even mean?!”
After weeks of trying to work this machine, I began to wonder; maybe this isn’t supposed to be this difficult. Maybe, there’s something else going on here. Maybe… this machine is some kind of Transformer (you know, a robot in disguise).
Transformers are robots that can turn into machines, and my sewing machine is defiantly a machine– so it qualifies. However, for all the pain that thing has given me, my sewing machine would defiantly be an evil transformer. Clearly, my sewing machine is a Decepticon.
When I leave my room, this is what my sewing machine looks like
Which Decepticon is it? Starscream, probably.
For those of you who don’t believe me, I offer some evidence… that I created in Paint, but is loosely based off reality.
The evil ways of the sewing Decepticon are infinite...
And then there’s that foot pedal. It’s supposed to make the thing make stitches, but no. It’s deceptively design like a gas pedal so that any unsuspecting novice will look at it and think: “Oh, if I press it harder, it’ll go faster! I’ll be done so quickly!” No.
The gas pedal of lies...
You wanna see the biggest knot of string woven into a piece of knotted cloth? Press that pedal harder.
I Broke My Glasses Again 