Yo Gabba Gabba Might Be an Evil Plot to Destroy the World

I finished my senior thesis!

I don’t know how to describe the feeling, really. I suppose it’s like finishing a marathon… and then, looking up and realizing you came in last. No joke. I turned it in and, a moment later, realized that there were a thousand things I should have done better—but, at the same time, I was relieved it was over.

As soon as I turned it in, I crashed. I sat on the couch for hours… and wallowed in a mixture of self-pity and laziness.

As I was flipping channels, though, I noticed that there was a show on called Yo Gabba Gabba—and I don’t think I’ll ever recover. The first time I watched it was in middle school, when my youngest sister was young enough to watch it.

This show has the amazing capacity to mesmerize children. My sister could sit down and watch it for hours… but, as an adult, I’m confused.

I remember one part in the show where they were singing “Brush Your Teeth” over and over and over, and there was a random guy in the background with a boom box. I’m pretty sure if you played that song backwards, though, it would say something like “DESTROY ALL THE THINGS”. My sister might wake up one day, in a few years, and the only thing she’ll be able to say will be “death and destruction”… and she’ll probably have really clean teeth.

I probably made this guy cuter than he ought to be. In the show he looks like some kind of spotted pickle…

Other than obsessing over the deeper meaning in Yo Gabba Gabba, I’ve been prepping for the next two weeks, in which I will somehow have to finish a video project, put together a portfolio, and write four ten page essays… I guess, this means that me, my youtube account, and local starbucks will become best friends in the near future.

That, by the way, is coffee. My love for coffee is about as strong as my love for wasting time on youtube. or on Paint.

My Sewing Machine Might Be a Decepticon

Around my birthday, I decided to get an adult skill and try sewing. As it turns out, those sewing machines are full of lies.

The box reads “easy to use”, but it’s just a trap! You get the machine out and situated on the table, and, at this point, you’re still full of hope and wonder at all the things you’ll make. Then you look at the instruction packet—this is your biggest mistake.

This Barbie-sized instruction packet has images and words and arrows, but none of it makes sense! It’s all like “Put the string on the knob, loop it around Point A, bring it down to knob X, past the fires of Mount Doom, and get it into the tiny needle hole”.

And you’re left to ask “What the hell? What does that even mean?!”

After weeks of trying to work this machine, I began to wonder; maybe this isn’t supposed to be this difficult. Maybe, there’s something else going on here. Maybe… this machine is some kind of Transformer (you know, a robot in disguise).

Transformers are robots that can turn into machines, and my sewing machine is defiantly a machine– so it qualifies. However, for all the pain that thing has given me, my sewing machine would defiantly be an evil transformer. Clearly, my sewing machine is a Decepticon.

When I leave my room, this is what my sewing machine looks like

Which Decepticon is it? Starscream, probably.

For those of you who don’t believe me, I offer some evidence… that I created in Paint, but is loosely based off reality.

The evil ways of the sewing Decepticon are infinite...

And then there’s that foot pedal. It’s supposed to make the thing make stitches, but no. It’s deceptively design like a gas pedal so that any unsuspecting novice will look at it and think: “Oh, if I press it harder, it’ll go faster! I’ll be done so quickly!” No.

The gas pedal of lies...

You wanna see the biggest knot of string woven into a piece of knotted cloth? Press that pedal harder.