My Life was not Made By Disney

Hey guys!

My life has been a madhouse—cray, as us gangsters say.

After years and years of not fitting in at home, feeling a little awkward, some big beardy man came up to me a few weeks ago and was all like “If you become a hero, you’ll get to live in this big awesome mansion. You should totally do it!”

And, because I take advice from complete strangers, I went for it.

I grabbed my side kick—a short little guy with some goat legs. I don’t know what the deal with the goat legs is. I figured it was rude to ask or stare too closely.

Day after day, we walked straight into the craziest situations and saved people—more or less. We stepped on some snakes, slayed some dragons, took some orphans out of the bottom of wells.

People were screaming my name. Confetti was involved. There was no cake. The cake was a lie.

After a few months of utilizing my incredible strength to save the people who can’t save themselves, I was within an inch of that fancy mansion that beardy man was talking about…

… and then there was a catch.

The beardy man gave me a look. It was one of those weird looks that people give you when you have something on your face, but no one wants to tell you. It’s never a good situation.

Apparently, sidekicks aren’t allowed. Particularly, sidekicks with goat feet. Haters.

It wasn’t until I woke up with my face on my keyboard and imprints of keys on my face that I realized that I shouldn’t go to sleep with Hercules playing in the background.

In the meantime, I have gotten one of those “real people jobs”. From 8 to 5 I pretend to be a fully functioning adult. Then, when I get home, I crash into a stupor of Disney movies and sleep.

I don’t have much free time anymore, but, occasionally, I’ll get around to messing with some image editing website. Me and Pixlr have become besties as of late– but I wasn’t quite sure what to do with my creations… then I realized, that’s totally the point of a blog, right? Right. Yeah. Absolutely.

If I had read this quote in middle school, I would have downed in a pool of Evanescence, terrible poetry, and depressing literature.

The first line from The Book Thief– one of my favorite books. True story bro.

I’m slowly making my way through the The Dresden Files series, and lines like this bring a goofy look to my face that make people think that I’m a bit crazy.

You know, I don’t think I’d ever heard this verse until I saw it on tumblr… I figure, I lost all my free time somewhere between tumblr and Pixlr and work. Oh, and traffic.

This is pretty much how I’ve been spending my free time lately. Feel free to leave suggestions for quotes, or tips on how to make this stuff better. My little cubicle at work will probably be littered with these things–and that’s really what I’m hoping for.

Oh, also, I’ll be posting these things to pinterest, so feel free to check them out ther’: Pinn ALL THE THINGS.
Peace out my home slices!

Not-Studying

Hello guys! It’s been a while—sort of. It’s been longer than I like to spend between blog posts. I try to post once every week, more or less on a Friday, but, as some of you may know, I am taking the LSAT on Monday. 😮

However, as hard as I may try to prepare for this exam, the only thing I’ve really been able to do is perfect the art of not-studying. Really, when there’s something important  that needs to get done, all I can think of is everything else—

His name is Dr. Horrible.
“Where are his back legs?!” You might be asking yourself. Well, he’s either sitting on them, or he’s part potato. I like to leave a little room for the imagination.

I’ve also noticed that things that have recently been frustrating me, that didn’t frustrate me before…

For example, apparently not everyone knows this– but there is a right way and a wrong way to eat gummy bears.

When you take the effort to go to the store and buy a bag of these squishy rainbow bears, you have to take a moment. These little bear shaped candies look up at you with the innocent and friendly smile. Their hands rest gently on their round bellies. They seem satisfied and happy with life… so you gotta make sure that these little guys don’t die in vain.

You gotta make sure these round bear-gummies die with honor.

How to Dishonor Your Gummy Bears:

You cannot just shove in your mouth without even looking at them. No. That’s too impersonal.

Some machine somewhere in the world went to the effort to create these little bear shapes. If you weren’t meant to play with it, they would have just made circles! They would be jelly beans… or M&Ms!

Not bears.

The Proper Ways to Eat Gummy Bears:

You gotta look this bear in the face, and show him that you are in control here. Then, you actually gotta eat him. There are many means of execution, but here are a few of my favorites:

The Velociraptor You have to attack the bear quickly and strategically. Watch the bear. Study its movements… then come in for the kill.

The Zombie

Rule 1: Cardio
Rule 2: Double Tap

In the zombie spirit, you have to go in brain-first. Savor it… then go limb by limb.

The Crusher

After a while, the green ones start to look like yoda.

Take the little bear in between your index finger and your thumb… then slowly– and carefully, you don’t wanna drop it– squish it. Naturally, these things are made of jelly, so you’ll have to squish it over and over again to get the desired result.

The Voldemort

Gather all the cunning and hate within your heart, and give the bear a swift and merciless end– Avada Kadava!

Caution: After preforming this unforgivable curse, you may want to stay way from any Ministry of Magic people… its a bit frowned upon in certain circles.

The Mad Scientist

Piece by piece, take that bear apart! After you’ve dissected and torn that bear apart, try and put it back together again and bring it back to life! Maybe you’ll create your very own bear-esq monster that’ll chase you around the earth, seeking revenge for his lack of companionship…

A few other good ones are:

The Goat and the T-Rex (…maybe this one is self explanatory…)

The Pinata (break it open and eat it from the inside out)

and the Paula Dean (cover it in butter and bake at 350 for 20 seconds ;))

Also, there’s another thing that’s been frustrating me—people you ask you questions about the book you are reading while you are reading it!

Before I pick up a book, no one has anything to say… nothing at all. No news. No questions. No gossip.

But.

As soon as I pick up the book, someone will flock over to me like a vulture flocks to zombie-carnage.

“Has a beginning! Has a middle! Has an End! What madness is this!” -Donatello

They hoover over me until I’ve gotta into a thick part of the plot—the characters declare their love for each other; someone dies; explosions; time travel… you know, the good stuff. Once I get there, they know.

It’s like they’re psychic… they’re the psychic vulture book ruiners… of doom!

Then they pounce!

They ask questions. Yes, they’re seemingly innocent questions, but they know you are too busy to answer their questions:

What’s is about?

[Frantically, you realize someone in the real world has said words together… so you put together a meshed summary of what you just read]

Where are you at?

[You show them the edge of the book, so they can see how many page you’ve gone through and how many you have left. Then, perhaps, you realize that they wanted something more specific…]

Is it like twilight?

[Of course, it’s not like Twilight! This plot has actual depth!]

Are you sure? Cuz that sounds a lot like twilight…

[Totally different!]

Really? Cuz that one guy defiantly sounds a lot like Edward…

[Yeah. If by “a lot like Edward” you mean “is male”….]

Right. So this girl that is “not at all like Bella” falls in love with a guy that is “not at all like Edward”, and they have a baby… Sure sounds a lot like Twilight…

[Your face is a lot like Twilight!!@#$%]

Don’t be so sensitive!

[Your face shouldn’t be so sensitive!!!#$!%Z@]

Hey! It’s not my fault you’re reading Twilight!

Then, when I throw the book at them, I lose my page. It’s just a lose-lose situation all around.